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I’ve been thinking about a certain thing for days now. Something that only I could answer. Something that makes my life thrilling, and on the other hand, lifeless. Something that others get easily, and on my part, something I don’t get even if I put effort to it.

I’ve had this conversation in a coffee shop with my girl friends. A talk about boys. We talked about a friend who has her significant other and how we helped them be together and so on, then my friend was like, “If you have a crush for more than 4 months now, then that isn’t crush/infatuation anymore” they looked at me and then topic fell unto me, unconsciously, I was speechless.

And so, I tried to defend myself but it was useless because deep within myself, I don’t know what I really feel and why I still hope that he’ll somehow see me as someone to turn to or someone close to him. But I couldn’t stand the idea that what I’m feeling is more than like. I never intended to go overboard and to feel something I’m uncertain about and I never wanted to feel this way ever, again. Once it was there, the feeling of being in love with someone but it was long gone and I told myself that once is enough. I shouldn’t let myself fall deeper to someone, again, for the second time.

For some reasons, I don’t feel happy, at all. I don’t know. I’m confused. I feel an admiration for someone but it doesn’t make me happy anymore. I’m starting to feel uneasy and hurt. I don’t like this to continue but I couldn’t make it stop. I know, I’m so stupid for making this happen. If there is someone to blame about everything that’s happening right now, it would be me, and only me.

So anyway, sharing my innermost thoughts over the world wide web is not as easy as writing on a diary. I know people shall see this but I just really need to take out what I feel. I’ve written, blogged about, shared and posted this but the feeling will always be there.

Well, I hope you guys will be lucky enough to find your better half and not suffer from a never-ending infatuation, just like what I’m into. Think twice before liking someone. Is he worth liking? Or is he just another ass that would make me hope for nothing? Toodles!

XO,

Marian

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